Beginnings

Oh… It’s a door. Why is it open though? I haven’t walked up to it yet to turn the knob, but it’s open already. Things are still blurry, the door is close, but what’s outside the door isn’t. It’s like it’s so distant, but I guess that’s how my life has always been. I’ve just been good for nothing, a waste of space. So, why would I deserve to even walk through that door? Out there is so bright, all I’ve been surrounded by is quite the opposite. It doesn’t fit me. Change is impossible for me, it’s not going to to work. I can’t just start over, begin again like nothing ever happened. Get this door away from me, there’s no way I can see the vision it’s trying to present, the passion blooming from the light. I don’t have that, I can’t move past. I just can’t…

New beginnings are not some simple concept, it’s a effort-based activity. If no effort is put into wanting to begin again after things have gone horribly wrong, then nothing is going to change. You’re going to be stuck in the path, no end in sight. Ever see “The Shining”, or read it? It’s a novel by Stephen King, but it was also a full-length movie adaption directed by Stanley Kubrick. Jack tried to quit drinking after accidently hurting his son, but by the middle part of the film, that didn’t work out too well. He was already mad before watching over the hotel, but the temptations of his mind from the beings in the hotel threw him over the ship and his journey of being sober ended. That drove him to a point of trying to do horrible things to his family. To me, Jack wasn’t even trying at all. There was never really any attempt to try because he was still being extremely rude to his wife, Wendy. He made no effort, and because of that, he went right back to drinking and harming his child. And, in the end, Jack couldn’t find his way out of the maze and met the light to the path of failing. However, Wendy and their son Danny did find their way out of the maze, because they grew as people throughout the course of the story. Danny became less afraid, and Wendy fought for her son against her husband. That’s the difference, when you make a serious effort, maybe the blurry vision of outside the door will fade away and you’ll be able to walk through it without any issues. We all have problems in our lives, but for the sake of the people around us and ourselves, we have to physically and mentally help ourselves to overcome those problems.

When I was a teenager, about 13 through 15, I was going through a deep depression, one that was taking me down to places I didn’t want to go. That’s how life is, if something goes wrong, sometimes you can never get over it. I wouldn’t even get out of bed, I was starting to fail all my classes. Continuing life was starting to not become an option anymore, I felt like the only thing I could do was write. Right there, I had a plan. I was going to lock myself in a room in Japan, get a typewriter and some paper, sit there and write forever. After multiple broken relationships, love was no longer on the table for me. I never really believed in God, but the two miracles he brought my way is making me progressively more. I heard her name again. I hadn’t seen her since the beginning of the school year, but suddenly my best friend mentions her name. I didn’t know it yet, but I was in love. I don’t know why her name in specific got me out of my depression, but I felt connected to her. I only said a few words to her before, but those few words tied our fates together. Then, out of nowhere, I saw her walking up to the car saying she was riding home with us. I saw her again. I didn’t just hear her name, I actually saw her. I must have stared for about 10 minutes straight, fallen for her already. Except, it was hard to believe that this relationship would work out as I’ve seemed to disappoint people every single time. However, she saw different in me, something I never saw in myself. That love she felt for me, it struck me that maybe even I can find the right door again. Temptation, a good kind this time, to let my heart out one more time. My hand is on the handle, my wrist moves as I twist the handle, my mind is set free due to the art of trying. “I love you, more than reality itself.” I said. However, even more came out, which never would’ve entered my empty mind if the chains were still around. “I think, I’m starting to love myself too again.”

Nothing is ever too late unless you don’t try and keep saying it’s the end. Hardships are normal, it’s what makes us human. God will help you down the lane of forgiving yourself and starting a new path, but you have to try as well. You both are in it together. Without him, without her and my baby, I doubt I would be okay. I wouldn’t give the life I have now for nothing. I love them both more than reality itself. And, I’m forever grateful he helped me move forward to start my new beginning.